Oh, the internet.  Every day there is a new moment when I realize that opening my web browser is like diving into a Roman orgy in the hopes of finding a pocket dictionary hidden somewhere on the premises.

I figured I'd kick this blog's new inaugural day off with a look at all the things it's not about, because Google, Yahoo and other search engines of note are very confused about it.  I kid you not: out of the top twenty search terms that lead people to the Project, ten of them are the names of porn stars.  Fifty percent of my readership are confused, horny people who were just out looking for sultry pictures of their favorite adult film celebrities and instead were hit in the face with a wall of literary criticism.  It's got to be deflating for them, so I'd like to apologize: sorry, internet vagabonds, but I only talk about the non-fun parts of porn.

For a jaunt into my world, let's take a look at some of the other amazing search terms that have led wanderers to my site:

worksafe porn - Um... I feel like someone may not have fully disclosed the meaning of at least one of those two words to you, searcher.

proctor phantoms - Is this referring to some kind of version of the story wherein Erik acts as a district attorney, like Leroux and Dick Wolf collaborated on the new blockbuster television craze?  Oh, my god, I would watch that forever.

blood red throne monument of death - Technically all of those words are on the site multiple times, but I can't help wondering who on earth is searching for this, and why.

one day at a time sweet jesus sheet music - Boy, are you lost.  I'm so sorry.

baby hand deformity - When in doubt, consult the medical wisdom of the internet.

shelob's lair - Ah ha ha ha ha, yes.  Come into my parlor, unwary internet travelers.

sudden sniffing death - I... what?

phantom shit - May I direct you to my F-grade section?

okay man - You... searched for "okay man" and somehow you chose here out of all the places you could have clicked on?  I mean... okay, man.

ricksavage.com - Yes; this person searched for a web address and then clicked through to a completely different website.

what did people blame for causing the plague? - Many things, but your answers do not lie here, wee one trying to use the internet as a source for a paper.

This could go on for hours, but luckily there is only so long even I can be entertained by internet stupidity.  Luckily, enough people actually get here that are trying to get here that I don't feel the need to just give up and reinvent myself as a porn-vending thesis-writer for hire.

If it looks like I'm trying to procrastinate instead of having to read yet another book about the Phantom as a vampire... that's probably because that's what I'm doing.

And here we are, with something that (hopefully) looks less like the chronology of the Phantom Project was sick all over one of the pages of its website.  Nothing too snazzy, I know, but perhaps someday I'll be motivated enough to even make this look like it has something to do with the Phantom story.  Probably not, but y'all can dream.  In the meantime, you can enjoy new features that blogs (as opposed to webpages that say they are blogs but are clearly lying) are supposed to have, including the ability to comment (le gasp!) and follow on your fancy RSS feeds if you feel so inclined.

Moving all the posts over to this new blog was a nostalgic trip down memory lane; the Project is over four years old now and looking back at the things I once thought about it is hilarious.  Oh, me of 2007... you thought maybe you'd have to buy "ten more books or so"?  And what about Anne of 2009, who thought she was going to finish in time to be up to date when the new Webber musical came out?  Join me in a sorrowful chuckle at that poor, naive girl.

Since it's all sparkly and new, I'm even going to try to update this shiny new toy of mine more than once a month, and possibly even with more than one-line "here's a review, now get off my lawn" updates!  We'll see if the dream lasts.

In the meantime, thanks for being badasses, internet readers!

The Alonso/Tilford review is up, after a long time of waiting.  Everybody send a big holler of thanks out to Tom Alonso himself, who was nice enough to let me listen to his musical and say things about it on the internet.

Now that it's a giant, sprawling, useless pile of gross on my website, I'll be working on fixing this blog so that it's actually, you know, a blog.  Watch this space for, at some point, the ability to see blog entries without your eyes bleeding and your browser crashing, and even the ability to leave comments on them (oh, that I can't wait for).

Damn, now that I said I was going to do it, I have to actually remember to do it instead of eating a pint of Half Baked and going to sleep.

The Hessler/Reynolds review is up.

THAT SHIT JUST HAPPENED.

The last Hernandez review is up!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a cinematic wonderscape to go experience.

The second Hernandez review is up, and now that rehearsal hell has ended and won't begin again for another week, I cherish fond hopes that the third will follow.  Wish me luck.  Send help.

Another year, another pile of books.  The first of the trio of Hernandez reviews is up, and the year is looking more positive already.

Happy four years old, Phantom Project!  I have so many more grey hairs now than I did when I started.